Now i will have nightmares of a blue flashing light, a tall shadow, financial aid checks, and my cere

Starting at about 3am, i drive on 90 through storm, as i hallucinate and try my hardest to not throw up on myself. I blame the hallucinations on my lack of sleep. The nausea may be attributed to my lack of food. Hit a random object while entering the elgin/ohare ramp. I tell myself its just a rock and keep going, but for all i know it was imaginary, or a piece of my car.

Finally arrive home and step in like 3 puddles of Raid. Get yelled at for 20 minutes for said deed. Still hallucinating, which only adds to the already enjoyable experience.

I went to sleep early this morning at 530 after working on a drawing for 3 hours, only to wake up late this morning and see that its, well, to be blunt, a peice of shit.

Frantically get ready and get in my car to go to the VIVANO training at work.

Struggle through an hour long propaganda video of some CEO feigning excitement about smoothies while inserting some rather suggestive words in the process, (examples: “banana tongs”)

Car runs out of gas, i purchase 4 dollars worth of gasoline and as i attempt to fill my plastic gas container(which cost more money than the gas itself…) i proceed to spill about 80 cents worth of that gasoline on myself. This just adds to the classy and sophisticated image i have already achieved by walking down geneva road carrying a red plastic gas container.

Now i find out i owe the COD library 50 dollars for some overdue library book about hallucinogenic drugs that i may or may not have seriously vandalized. 

The gods are lucky i have a twisted sense of humor otherwise id be PISSED. 

I feel much better now though after watching an episode Golden Girls and a documentary on String theory.

Major plans for this evening include: taping together pieces of my chopped up credit card and listening to T.Rex

whining over.

Not that it matters, but this post did have some meaning behind it. I think…yes…changes. Changes are a-happening and I can barely contain myself.

My life has completely turned itself around. Just months ago i was popping klonopins and xanax like tic-tacs, wasting away at the expense of marijuana and drinking skyy like water. I had zero motivation. I loved some of my classes but just had no energy to put forth any rewarding effort. I had come to accept that this was where i would be forever. COD, in all due respect, really hasn’t done anything for me except to reinstate my complete loss of hope for the youth of my time. Living at home is fine, but being stuck in this town has just been depressing. All around me I see my younger brother and his friends ready to graduate and go on, and yet i remain here. The only friends or aquantances left are the ones that spend the majority of their time smoking or drinking. And when they arent doing that they are finding ways to get money so they can buy more drugs and more booze. There were times when i found myself having a better time home alone playing mortal kombat and watchig re-runs of the office, rather than submit myself to the lifestyle of my peers that i could see was draining me of my very soul. 

All through this mess I was in love with one of my friends. Things just couldn’t work but the two of us never gave up. We dealt with doctors, hospitals, rehab, drugs, lies, we went through hell on both ends. Neither of us gave up though. Now we are happy finally. This kid has seriously helped me regain myself. I fell so off track and having nobody close to me to lend a hand or even just give me hope, made things harder. He never gave up on me, he still wont. Because of him I have come to see that i did have the strength in me to combat all the bullshit working against me. When i look at where i will be in 4 months I am excited and happy, not depressed and disappointed. At the risk of sounding like every 20 yr old wheaton college girl I make fun of constantly, i really am in love, and i really think i have found someone incredibly special. I am excited about my life and i feel hopeful about the future, its a feeling i havent felt since high school ended.

My brain still requires prescribed chemical support to work correctly. I still drown my lungs in nicotine. Im still partial to an occasional drink or party. I still am the same me i have always been, its just that hope has been reinstated in me. This hope is my barrier against falling into the hole i was stuck in for a year. Im happy now. Im happy with my life. Im comfortable with myself. I have the most amazing boyfriend a girl could dream of. Even in my lowest lows, where im curled into a fetal position in a nook located within my closet, im not hopeless. Im happy. It doesnt mean im not ever depressed or sad. I still get angry and im still lazy at times. But behind it all is this amazing sense of happiness that creates a retarded grin im constantly trying to stifle back.

Jesus this is lame. Thank God nobody reads this shit.

except you…you lame-o.

School has been unbearably mundane lately. My brit lit class rarely meets and when we do i find myself manually holding my eyelids up as some monotone voiced kid uses a powerpoint pasted full of wikipedia articles. My humanities teacher is the spawn of satan, at least the satan of the art world. Saying that Picasso was nothing more than a total copy-cat(which he was, but seriously, lets go beyond that cliche attack), making us watch frightening movies of children dressed as shrimp dancing, and trying to make everyone believe her interpretations of Chaucer are the ONLY correct ones. I’m pretty sure if i brought her into an art class they would literally tear her apart due to her close-minded ideals, overblown ego, and elitist opinions. And as Hillary taught us, being an elitist is a truly TERRIBLE thing…

I’ve been a tad high strung and moody this week. Yesterday i completely freaked on my boyfriend for no reason and ended up laying down in an aisle in the English Lit section at the library struggling to read Jude the Obscure as I slowly got my breathing back to a normal speed. It was a blast…

Today i have a full shift at corporate hell awaiting me. Im hoping the thunderstorms will keep the majority of the fake-tan, hummer driving soccer moms that order 6 fraps away from my store, but i know thats just wishful thinking. I’m going to read some Camus and prep myself for the mystical night that awaits me. A night of inhaling coffee grounds and macha powder, spilling pitchers of milk on myself, and maybe if im lucky, ill get some nice burns from the coffee that the cheap-ass customers force me to fill TO THE BRIM, as if that extra inch is really justifying the fact that they just paid about 1.50 too much for that cup.

welll, maybe it is…
N is for Nintendo, my only real friend sometimes.
O is for Or, the word that when placed in between two things, leads me into making yet another bad decision.
P is for pokemon.
Q is for question, because i question everything i do.
R is for regrets, i have a few, but still not many.
S is for superfood, my drink of choice every morning.
T is for traffic school. im going back. 8 hours. traffic. whattt?
U is for UV rays, i wish i was tan?
V is for venom, the final planet in starfox where you fight andross….fuckin harrrrd.
W is for wii. my true love.?
X is for xtra hot, the cause of about 5+ severe burns to my hand every day at work.

bitchasssshoezzzzz

Y is for yeah yeah yeah….
Z is for “zzz” something i def need more of.

whatever my chosen excuse is tonight , i cant sleep.
ive tossed.
ive turned.
ive stared at the ceiling to see if maybe its lack of intrigue will permit me some shut eye.
nothing. works.

but now, isnt that what this thing was made for?
random messy late night rants initiated by a rather annoying and painful inability to sleep.

A:Yes.

today i woke up with the room spinning, a stomach screaming “i hate you!!”, and an angry mother.
Get up, swallow that nasty something something that keeps pushing its way to the top of my throat,
make do with the mess of tangle that is residing where my hair was last night. makeup? all out. use moms. wrong shade? i just want to go back to bed.

went with mom to a craft/art fair type deal. filed through tables upon tables of fake flower arrangements, greasy and strong smelling lotions, wooden signs with “uplifting” messages, and weird new age music. convinced mom to buy me an african trible mask. not authentic, but i mean, the idea that there is some 60something woman in indiana spending time making trible masks, its sort of comforting i guess. i think. nevermind.
proceeded to stop at the flea market on the way home.
didnt realize that flea market really stands for “little mexico”.
got leered at/grinned at/(insert any other form of sexual harrasment) at
got a package of 50 sharpies for 2 dollars.
contemplated purchasing virgin mary sticker sets for my friends.
went home.
got ink poisoning from the off brand sharpies….

played resident evil for 5 hours.
slowly regained brain cells.
watched devils backbone.
………………

i really need to get pokemon for ds.

wow yeah. i cant sleep.

fuck you for making me feel this sick.

love, an anonymous idiot

my manager had a talk with me today at work
apparantly i was “rude” with a customer, or two…

fatbitchcustomer:*growls*”ive been waiting here in line for a whopping 6 seconds, arent you stupid ass baristas trained to work a register??”
me:”actually ma’m, yes, we are, and maybe you should look at who youre calling stupid, because if you had actually stopped to think for a second and noticed the extremely large and growing line outside youd understand why you havent been helped yet and you wouldnt be yelling at me over the purchase of your high calorie’d latte, which clearly isnt helping you achieve that oh-so girlish and cute figure.”

richbitchcustomer: “excuse me, that soy milk you made my drink with isnt organic, i cant drink this, i need organic milk. i need a refund.”
**soy milk container label-”organic silk soy milk”
me:**stare**”well ma’m, it does say organic on the box…im not really sure the soy milk company is out to swindle you into drinking unnatural additives.”
richbitchcustomer:”oh whatever, i need extra whip on this too.”
me:**sigh**

oh, the joys of working for a disgustingly overpopular multi-billion dollar corporation.
i feel like such a tool.